The reason I stand before you today is due to a vision that God has put on my heart. I feel that I am being led to increase the awareness that Hope is a safe place where wounded people can find healing. Hope is a place where we as a congregation can be transparent and not fear judgment. Hope is a place where God can put us in touch with our woundedness and the often compulsive and addictive behavior that result from such wounds. I hope that my brief testimony communicates just how God's saving grace has impacted my life through some of the great ministries offered at Hope.

My story begins after my wife and I were baptized two weeks after the birth of our first son a little over 5 1/2 years ago. Shortly after my baptism, God brought my addictive behaviors into the light and lead me out of denial, so I could see the effects my behavior was having on my life and my family. I surrendered my addictions to God in May of 2001 and have enjoyed almost 4 years of sobriety. Two years ago, my wife and I began attending Hope. After attending Hope for about a year, I began getting very strong promptings from God to begin attending Celebrate Recovery. I did not understand why God wanted me to attend CR. I was sober. I was recovered. I did not feel that I needed to get involved in the CR ministry. The three months I spent dwelling on my potential involvement in CR was a time of great unrest. It was a spiritual tug of war between God and Satan. Satan was using my prideful nature as a weapon against me. He was building in me false fears about what perceptions people would have of me if they new I attended CR. What would people think if they new I was one of "those people" that were part of the recovery movement? I eventually came to the realization that I would not be under such spiritual attack from Satan if God did not have big plans for me through the CR ministry. So I set up a meeting with Susan Yarrington and told her my story. She informed me that CR was a safe place were men could get real, a place were men could congregate and feel safe in their transparency, and a place where men could invite God into their wounds and find peace and healing.

After attending CR for a short time, I decided to join a small group with other men who shared in my area of woundedness. As our group began meeting, God began doing some miraculous things. God began to take me back in time. He took me back through my addictive behaviors, through my anger and resentment, through my shame and guilt. He took me back to the source of it all. He showed me my wounds. He created an awareness of how I denied the pain of my woundedness and how that pain became too great to bear. He showed me how I began medicating my pain with addictive behaviors in an effort to find peace. He lovingly showed me how I turned into the person I used to be and then provided me a pathway to healing.

I think this is where we all, as a congregation, find commonality. We have all been wounded at some time in our lives. The wounds could have been deliberate or accidental. The wounds could have come from a parent, sibling, spouse, teacher, coach, boss, co-worker, the media etc. The wounds could have been physical, mental, emotional, or all of the above.

An inflicted wound is the genesis of all addictive and compulsive behaviors. When we take a wound, often we are too young or simply unable to process the effects that the wound has had on us. So often (especially in men), we stuff the pain that the wound has caused us deep down inside. We deny the wound and the pain it has caused us. This is where it all begins. The wounds that we have bottled up are simply weapons that Satan can use against us. He can twist these areas of woundedness to make us truly believe that we are unworthy, unloved, ugly, stupid, too fat, too thin, etc. The process of stuffing and denying wounds causes us pain. So as a defense mechanism, we begin to medicate the pain we feel. We can medicate with food, drugs, alcohol, work, money, power, gambling, sex, pornography, and other promiscuous behavior. These medications can take the mind and heart away from the pain for a short time. Because the relief is only temporary, we return to our medications again and again to find relief. This is how addictive and compulsive behaviors are born. These addictive behaviors in time begin to cause more pain, guilt, and shame than they take away. So often times, we begin indulging in other medications to take away the pain. And as a result, we lose control and begin to ruin our lives. Our addictive behaviors also hurt those who love us most. And, we, in turn, inflict wounds on those unfortunate loved ones. And so, the process propagates itself from loved one to loved one, family member to family member, generation to generation.

Throughout my life, I have heard the statement "Jesus Saves" hundreds of times. I have even stated that Jesus is my personal Lord and Savior. However, I had no idea the true meaning of that statement until just recently. Like many, my understanding of the statement "Jesus is my Savior" was strictly limited to my salvation. I have since come to a personal and much deeper understanding of just how Jesus Saves.

One of the wounds that I took early in life was that I am unintelligent and unworthy. I grew up with learning disabilities which put me in special education classes throughout my grade school years. Failing to make the grades and being held back caused me shame, embarrassment, and pain. Because of my young age, I simply did not know how to deal with the pain. I did not have a relationship with Jesus and was unaware that I could give this area of pain to him. So, I stuffed it. Stuffing it deep down inside allowed Satan to use these wounds to convince me that I was unintelligent and unworthy. This act of stuffing and denying my wounds became a learned behavior throughout my adolescent years. The more wounds I took, the more I stuffed. Eventually, the pain became too great. So at a fairly young age, I began to medicate with drugs, alcohol, and a promiscuous lifestyle. In time, my addictions became out of control, and I was quickly wrecking my life and the lives of those who loved me.

As I look back on my journey through the recovery process, I see it all very clearly. My baptism, God convicting me of my sinful lifestyle, God surrounding me with people to aid in my recovery, and my journey back in time to the source of my wounds was a miracle and an answered prayer. Every night as I put my two sons in bed, I put my hand on their heads, and I pray that God will raise them up to be Godly men and that God would give me the strength to be a Godly father. I pray that God will protect them from evil and bless them. I pray that God will bless our relationship as father and son. God is faithful and has truly answered these prayers. God brought me to Celebrate Recovery so that I could not only stay sober, but, more importantly, understand the source of my addictions. He is granting me the wisdom necessary to be a Godly father and is equipping me to raise up Godly sons instead of passing my addictive behaviors down to them. He has taught me that sobriety is not the finish line in the recovery process. It is the starting point. Until you are sober, it is impossible for you to focus on what God's will is for you. As an addict, you are in denial and focus on nothing but medicating your own pain. You are focused on keeping the truth hidden from yourself and others. You are trapped in the fear that if people really know me they will not like me. They will judge and wound me.

People of Hope, this is my message to the congregation. When it comes to woundedness, you don't have a choice. You all have been victims. You have all been or will be wounded at one point or another in your life. Some of you are aware of it and have invited God into your areas of woundedness and have received healing. Some of you are not aware of the pain and have successfully denied and buried it deep down inside of you. These wounds may have manifested into some sort of compulsive or addictive behavior like workaholism, gambling, pornography, a promiscuous lifestyle, control issues, overeating, undereating, codependency, obsessive compulsive tendencies, use of drugs and alcohol, etc. These behaviors may be out of your control and are wounding your loved ones. It is those of you that I hope to reach through this message. I want you to know that you have a choice. I want you to know that Jesus saves, and I am not referring to your salvation. If you let him, Jesus will save you from yourself. Jesus will lead you through recovery and redeem your broken heart and dysfunctional relationships. Once healed, he will then reveal His will for you so that you may lead a purposeful and blessed life.

Hope has ministries specifically designed to provide a safe place where you can be real, where you don't have to pose, where you will not be judged, and where you can find healing. God made us all for a purpose. He has a will for all of us. However, we live in a fallen world, and our wounds can get in the way of doing God's will. It is only in God's will that we will find true peace with ourselves and our Creator. I pray that if you are hurting, you will seek Him and find the healing grace that only He can give.

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