Testimonies
The Emotionally Destructive Relationship
The Emotionally Destructive Relationship of a person as much as physical abuse damages the body of its victim. Emotional abuse involves high levels of manipulation, criticism, dominance, financial control, and isolating behaviors. My new client, Kelly, presented for counseling after enduring more than ten years of near constant emotional and verbal abuse from her spouse. Her decision to separate from the marriage came only after he physically assaulted her in front of their young children; her fear for their safety moved her to action.
Kelly was fortunate to have family members who could support her and her children during the separation. She entered therapy clinically depressed, emotionally overwhelmed and physically fatigued. The hard work of rebuilding her emotional health would begin in our therapy sessions. Depressive symptoms were treated with cognitive therapy tools such as journaling, self-talk restructuring worksheets, healthy diet and exercise recommendations as well as compliance to a doctor supervised anti-depressant. Her spiritual strength was restored by connecting to a local church and resuming spiritual intimacy through prayer, Scripture reading and fellowship with other Christians. Kelly meditated on Psalm 139 for several weeks to remind herself that God saw her personally and was concerned for the details of her life. All of this was a slow process – two steps forward, three steps back – as Kelly second guessed every decision she made. Her spouse’s degradation and humiliation conditioned her to expect her own decisions were flawed, inferior, and doomed to failure. Thankfully, after 18 months of therapy, the tide finally turned; confidence replaced fear, assertiveness overcame passivity, and excitement about the future supplanted hopelessness. The frightened, depressed and exhausted Kelly was transformed into a confident, capable and competent woman.
Nothing breeds success like success. As Kelly learned to more assertive and responsible for her own choices she reconnected with an important part of her identity – she always wanted to own her own business that would help people. While her husband had never supported that dream she was now in control of her own destiny. It was with great joy she recently reported the ribbon cutting ceremony of her new service oriented business. I am so thrilled that our counseling center was a beacon of light to Kelly during her dark hours and we played a role in bringing her to a place where she is now serving others. God’s glory can be seen in the counseling center fulfilling His purpose in the lives of our clients. Indeed, we give God all the glory!
By His Grace
By His Grace came to the offices seeking assistance in dealing with a verbally abusive husband. She was experiencing depression over the state of her marriage and anxiety over whether or not to remain in the relationship. Georgia’s relationship with God had stagnated as she became more disheartened about her marriage relationship and her husband’s unwillingness to work on their relationship. Over the course of our sessions, Georgia processed the hurt and resentment that had been building up – working through issues of forgiveness and control. Georgia re-established regular quiet times with the Lord to nurture her spirit and joined a women’s Bible study for positive female fellowship and support. Also, Georgia began to set and maintain good boundaries with her husband, recognizing what she could and could not control. These steps worked together to help her depression and anxiety decrease and Georgia terminated counseling.
Missy and Phil came to counseling seeking to work through relational issues in their dating relationship. Both had been married previously and were still carrying baggage from these break ups. We decided to initially work individually so Missy and Phil could work through these past issues. Phil was attending church and working on his relationship with the Lord, but Missy had neglected the spiritual aspect of her life for some time. This was addressed in individual counseling as well as processing and grieving the losses of their previous marriages. After both felt they had a good start on resolving past individual issues, we began couple’s counseling. Issues of communication and conflict resolution were key for this couple as well as openly addressing fears of commitment due to past relational break ups. Missy and Phil began attending church together and doing a couple’s devotional together. The devotional facilitated them working through many issues common to couples from a Christian perspective and the decision was made to terminate counseling.
Who Am I?
They had struggled in a 25 year old marriage and was recently separated from their spouse. Their spouse reported had a sexual addiction and was already with another partner, prior to my client moving out. My client reported feeling depressed, lost and unsure of their new lot in life. They had recently returned to seeking after God and His plan for their lives, and they were starting their spiritual journey afresh.
We identified areas they wanted different in their life. The first goal was grieving the 25 year old marriage and the role they played in the end of that relationship. I assigned them to start a Venting Journal, a safe place to vent their frustrations, hurt and sadness, when no one was available to listen. I also assigned a Gratitude Journal, to record everything which WAS working positively in their life.
The second session was about forgiving themselves for the responsibility they had in the demise of the marriage. They reported telling me a piece of their past they had never told anyone. After this fact was shared, before leaving that day, they reported feeling like a huge weight had been lifted off their shoulders.
The next session they processed the losses they experienced, as a result of the separation. The client came to the conclusion they missed the ‘role’ and ‘identity’ of being a person who had been married for 25 years, a parent and grandparent MORE THAN the actual loss of the other person who had been their partner. We discussed how they still had some of the roles they had, even though other roles had changed significantly.
The next few sessions we processed other changes in their life, job, the upcoming holidays and extended family health concerns. This past week, they realized they had less and less to talk about and we decided to drop back to meeting once per month, knowing all it took was a phone call to come back sooner than scheduled. This person has a good support system, a healthy work environment and the opportunity to rebuild their life. I am thankful for the opportunity to be a safe listener and witness the change which only God can do.